In honour of the forthcoming BHS bash in Edinburgh, I think we should remember the version by Rabbie's less well known (actually completely unknown) brother, Hughie Burns. Perhaps this could be recited at the festival, ideally as the haggis is piped in by the massed ranks of the Vienna Bagpipes of Scotland.
To a Horn.
Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the French Horn race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Conn, Kruspe, or Holton: Weel are ye wordy of a grace As lang's an alphorn.
The soaring harmonies ye fill, Your stopped notes like a distant trill, Your valves wad help to mend a mill In time o' need, While thro' your bell the notes distil Like amber bead.
His rim see rustic Labour dight, An' screw it on wi' ready slight, Fitting his silver Z-cup bright Wi’ ne’er a glitch; And then, O what a glorious sound, Warm-reekin, rich!
Then, horn for horn, they strech an' strive: Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive, Till a' their weel-swall'd lips belyve, Are bent like drums; Then auld first horn, maist like to rive, 'Bethankit!' hums.
Is there that owre his French Raoux Or Finke that wad staw a sow, Or Yamaha wad mak her spew Wi' perfect sconner, Looks down wi' sneering, scornfu' view On sic a wonder?
Poor devil! see him owre his trash, As feckless as a wither'd rash, His spindle shank, a guid whip-lash, His nieve a nit; Thro' Mahler symphony to dash, O how unfit!
But mark the Rustic, Alex-fed, The trembling Maestro fears his tread. Clap in his hand a 103, He'll make it whissle; An' flutes, an' oboes, an' strings will sned, Like taps o' thrissle.
Ye Pow'rs wha mak mankind your care, And dish them out their bill o 'fare, Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware Like Schmids and Paxmans; But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer, Gie her an Alex!
Sandy Innes (gold brass 103, e-taper PHC and proud of it!)
And just as a footnote for my compatriots who were brought up on the White Heather Club and countless hogmanay shows, consider this: how comfortable do you really feel to be playing a horn designed by the Alexander Brothers?
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